Empty Threat
by McAbbyGirl4Life
Summary: After a near-death experience rattles them more than usual, Valkyrie and Skulduggery have a heart to metaphorical heart. One-shot. Valduggery (romantic or platonic depending on if you squint funny).


**So, I'm going to start off by saying this was meant to be a very short one-short. And it is still a one-shot. Just not a very short one. Honestly, Valkyrie and Skulduggery are addicting to write! I think (hope, pray) I kept them pretty in character, and over all I'm very proud of this piece. I guess it can be taken as romantic Valduggery or platonic Valduggery but my favorite thing about Valduggery, in general, is the fact that it is so utterly undefinable. I hope I portrayed that well in this story, and did the characters justice because man, do they deserve it! Derek Landy, I'll gladly be part of your munchkin army!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. What it is I don't own, I will leave up to you. (Hint, its starts with an S and has to do with well-tailored skeletons)  
**

**Also, I haven't read KOTW (the stupid flippin' library hasn't gotten it in yet and the only copies I could buy would be shipped from the UK so they wouldn't get here for months! *tears out hair in frustration*) so this story probably takes place between Death Bringer and Kingdom of the Wicked. Val's about 17.**

* * *

The door to Skulduggery's house banged open and Valkyrie Cain walked through, followed closely by her skeletal partner. It had been one of those days, a day littered with near-death experiences, and Valkyrie could feel the jitters in her movements from too much adrenaline. Tea was what she needed. Good, sweet, calming tea. Without a word, she stalked off to the kitchen (or rather, the living room that had appliances installed for her benefit). Skulduggery stayed close by her elbow, irritably close, but Valkyrie brushed it off. He always got protective of her after someone actually managed to harm her, but all that had passed now and the teakettle wasn't going to take her hostage. Nonetheless, Skulduggery remained by her side as she went through the motions of making tea. Clutching her steaming cup, she left the makeshift kitchen in search of her favorite living room with the big sofa.

"Are you all right?" Skulduggery asked as they both sat down upon the couch.

"Of course I'm all right," said Valkyrie tetchily, taking a too-hot sip of tea. The liquid burned her tongue, so she put the cup on the coffee table with a scowl, "Why wouldn't I be all right?"

Skulduggery, sensing her bad mood, reached over and draped his arm around her shoulders. Valkyrie leaned into his touch instinctively, drinking in the comfort before pulling back a little.

"So my ego's a little bruised," She grumbled, "No need to get all needlessly affectionate."

The arm dropped from her shoulders, and she glanced over at Skulduggery with a smirk. Getting to her feet, she snatched up one of the throw pillows from the adjacent couch and turned back to him.

"But I get it," Valkyrie continued, tossing the pillow onto his bony lap. She plunked onto it with enthusiasm, causing Skulduggery to stiffen with surprise at the added weight.

"Even skeletons need a good cuddle every once and a while," she concluded knowingly, internally absorbing her laughter as she felt Skulduggery bristle with indignation.

"I am an extraordinary 400 hundred year old skeleton detective with dashing high cheekbones, impeccable tailoring, and a wit to rival even the most intelligent of people," He huffed, "I do not need to 'cuddle'."

"Of course not, my mistake," She apologized airily, slinging her arm loosely over his prominent ribs and molding herself against his skeletal frame anyway.

Skulduggery sighed and reluctantly returned her embrace. They sat in a companionable silence, Skulduggery listening to the rhythm of her heartbeat, and Valkyrie absently playing with his lapel. She liked moments like this. Moments where it was just her and her partner relaxing after a hectic day of saving the world. It was nice. Soothing. It leeched the excess adrenaline, a surprisingly high amount today what with the near death experiences and all, from her body and left here feeling groggy and ready for a dreamless night of sleep. She was just about to disentangle herself from Skulduggery and head off to bed when he spoke.

"I almost lost you today."

His smooth velvet voice was detached, thoughtful.

"You did," Valkyrie agreed. She waited for him to continue, but he seemed bound by the silence so she added, "I almost lost you too."

"That you did," he said, "It was a rather close call tonight, was it not?"

"It was. I'd appreciate it if you didn't cut it so close next time. I like having nerves left to fray," Valkyrie chided, poking his ribs reproachfully.

"Noted."

The silence resumed, and Valkyrie curled closer to him, abandoning all notions of dragging herself over to the sofa bed.

It _had_ been a close call tonight. Valkyrie despised close calls, and not just because they generally resulted in a lot more bruising and reinforced the looming possibility of Darquesse coming out to play. She hated being reminded that they weren't invincible. Loath though she was to admit it, the thought of something like death (or a second death) actually separating her and Skulduggery for good rattled her to no end.

"With all the times we've nearly been killed, you'd think we'd be used to it by now," she murmured into his chest.

"Why do I get the distinct impression that this recent brush with death is going to conclude in a bout of sentimentality on your part?" Skulduggery asked, sounding resigned.

"Shut up, and let me get it out of my system," Valkyrie growled.

"Fair enough."

"Its just," she squirmed into a different position so that her words weren't muffled by his chest, "I always think we have so much time, you know? Time to tell each other stuff, important stuff, before it's too late. But it's after nights like tonight that I realize…that time might not exist. With the way we operate, and with all those bad guys that would just love to kill us, we should have been dead ages ago. We're on borrowed time. For all we know, and actually its very likely, we could be dead in five minutes."

"You know why I keep you around? Because you're so cheerful," Skulduggery deadpanned, giving her a head a condescending pat.

"But its true!" she claimed, twisting her neck to glare at his gaping eye sockets.

"I didn't say it wasn't. But it _is_ in the job description," he reminded her.

"I know that. And I'm happy to risk my life everyday. It's fun. Lots of thrills and whatnot, but still, I'd die regretful if I didn't get the chance to tell you, you know, the important stuff before I died. Like how annoying you are."

"There is no danger in that, I assure you. So no worries, you are at perfect liberty to die an agonizing but regret-free death," Skulduggery said happily.

"That's it. I'm done trying to penetrate your thick skull with my sentimentality," Valkyrie grumbled.

"You show signs of intelligence after all."

Scowling, she buried her face moodily into his shoulder and vowed to be silent for the rest of the night. However, a few minutes later temptation broke her vow.

"What would you say?" she asked curiously.

"Hmm? What do you mean?" Skulduggery's expressionless skull frowned at her.

"If you had a few minutes to tell me something before either of us died, what would you say?" Valkyrie pressed.

"I thought we both agreed that I don't do sentimentality?"

She sighed, frustrated. "This isn't sentimental. It's a simple question."

Skulduggery nodded then went silent, lost in what Valkyrie hoped was reflection.

"If I had but a few minutes left to tell you something before either of our untimely demises," Skulduggery started, his gloved hand finding her hair and stroking it idly, "I would probably start off by rebuking you for not doing as you were told, which would undoubtedly be the reason for our capture."

Valkyrie snorted, but didn't object.

"I would then go on to tell you how stubborn you are and how that isn't an attractive trait in a person, despite its somewhat positive connotations. We would argue about this, wasting quite a few seconds of our precious last moments together, but you would insist on proving your point regardless."

"I would not!" Valkyrie countered angrily.

"After this I would go on to say what failure of a student you've turned out to be, possessing every character trait that would prove to be a flaw in a detective such as your aforementioned stubbornness along with a short temper, violent streak, impatience, terribly large head—"

"Because _that's_ not hypocritical," Valkyrie interjected.

"Lack of self control, inability to follow orders, over all dislikable personality—"

Valkyrie pinched the bridge of her nose. "I forbid you from giving my eulogy."

"Irritable company, abysmal taste in fashion—"

_"One more word and I swear I will punch you!"_

"…and yellowish teeth, unlike yours truly."

Valkyrie mustered as much power as she could in her current sitting position and socked the skeleton hard between the ribs. Despite not having a stomach, Skulduggery still _oomphed_ in protest. She made to wriggle out of his arms, but he yanked her back and wrestled her against him.

"After all of this," Skulduggery continued with dignity, maintaining a valiant hold against Valkyrie's struggling, "I would say to you what a remarkable mentor you must have because even with all of your dreadfully obvious flaws, I still retain some vague degree of affection towards you."

Valkyrie stopped struggling.

"Meaning?" She pushed, a smile creeping into her voice.

"Meaning without you, my life would be relatively dull in comparison to what it is now."

"Which goes to say…"

"Which goes to say that I'd be rather sorry if you died."

"Which implies that…"

Skulduggery gave an exasperated sigh.

"Which implies that you seemed to have found a soft spot in my metaphorical heart and have proceeded to pound it mercilessly with your sarcasm and irksome habits, and yet, despite my best efforts, it would appear that I have actually grown to love a dimwit like you. Solely out of pity, you understand."

"Ha!" Valkyrie exclaimed, thumping his ribcage in triumph, "You admit it! You love me."

"Grudgingly, yes," Skulduggery confessed.

Valkyrie sat up in his lap to grin at him properly. If only he had had cheeks, she guaranteed they'd be pink with sheepishness. Her grin broadened, and on impulse she lunged over and kissed his sharp left cheekbone. The bone felt abnormal under her lips, but it wasn't a bad sensation. Skulduggery's head tilted like it did when he was thoroughly puzzled about something, but Valkyrie was already snuggling back down against his torso. She felt her heartbeat thunder, her insides warm and tingly. She was happy and felt a compulsion to stash the feelings away and relish them. They were luxuries, these feelings, things she never had time to stop and enjoy anymore. They spilled inside her, the heat burning her blood, and Valkyrie murmured contentedly. It wasn't until she missed Skulduggery's hand in her hair that she turned to look at him. His gloved hand was delicately touching the part of his face where she'd kissed him. He seemed a bit stunned.

"What?"

Skulduggery jolted and cleared his non-existent throat.

"Nothing," He replied distractedly.

She peered at him inquisitively. "You look stunned. Why do you look stunned? You've had Faceless Ones tear you apart, literally limb from limb, and you've never looked stunned."

"I hide it well, but believe me, I was quite stunned when they shredded my favorite suit right before my eyes, figuratively speaking of course. It's just, well…how do I put this? As a flesh and blood human obviously, but as a skeleton I've never actually been, erm, kissed before. The sensation is a bit odd." He traced the spot on his face again as if for emphasis.

Valkyrie straightened up and crossed her arms across her chest, staring at him disbelievingly. "Skulduggery, how long have you been a skeleton for?"

"Quite a number of years now."

"And you're telling me you haven't been kissed in any of them?"

"That's correct."

"Well that, that's just so…" Valkyrie paused to laugh heartily at his expense, "Skulduggery, you haven't lived!"

"So I've noticed," Skulduggery muttered dryly.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes at him. A stab of pity took her off guard as she studied his otherwise frightening face. Hundreds of years, and never been kissed? It sounded so lonely.

Without really thinking about what she was doing, Valkyrie reached up and knocked off Skulduggery's beloved hat from his head. His admonishing dissipated as she pulled his skull down roughly and kissed his hard forehead. Again, the sensation was abnormal, but not bad in the slightest, and she moved from his forehead to his cheek, and then, just because she could, she placed a sloppy wet kiss, sound effects included, right on his teeth where his lips used to be.

Pulling back, she smiled mischievously at him then dodged down to hide her face in his shoulder before her blush could truly kick in. Skulduggery's remaining arm around her faltered, then slackened, and Valkyrie feared she might have just ruined the moment. Then both of his arms wrapped around her and pulled her tight against him like a drawstring.

"And you said _I_ was the one being needlessly affectionate?" He complained brusquely, and Valkyrie trusted her voice enough to laugh. Awkwardness evaporated and normalcy returned with a flourish. His hand went back to her hair and within minutes she was nearly dozing.

"What would you say, then?" Skulduggery queried, shaking her out of her stupor.

"Hmm?" She mumbled drowsily, stifling a yawn.

"What would you say?" He repeated, "In our last moments together?"

"Mmm," Valkyrie groaned, "I'll tell you in the morning."

"I've undergone my moment of interrogation, it's only fair you do the same. Now up you get," He explained, pushing her slumped form into a sitting position.

Valkyrie blinked her unfocused eyes, harnessing them into what was meant to be a semi fearsome glare. When it was clear that Skulduggery wasn't budging, Valkyrie sighed and pondered his question. Last moments together. What would she tell him? Her last breaths would not be spent giving him an ego boost so telling him what a brilliant mentor he had been was out of the question. She'd already told him she loved him on multiple occasions so that seemed silly as well. Perhaps the biggest secret she ever had would suffice. The one thing she swore never to tell him because it had the potential to rock the very foundation of their relationship. The one thing that would surely weigh on her chest in the afterlife. Now or never.

"Well," Valkyrie began tentatively, "There is one thing I would tell you. Actually, it's something I've wanted to tell you for some time, it just never seemed to be the right moment."

Skulduggery cocked his head, encouraging her to go on.

"Do you remember the second time we met? When you saved me from Serpine's hit man?"

He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Vaguely."

Valkyrie glowered.

"Vividly," He changed quickly.

"Do you remember how I got you to take me with you?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes," Skulduggery responded, clearly confused as to why this was such a sensitive subject, "You told me you were going to stand on my hat if I didn't."

Valkyrie winced at the memory and shot the hat that laid on the couch beside them a forlorn glance. She swallowed hard, willing herself to continue. Skulduggery waited with practiced patience.

"It was a lie!" She blurted suddenly, "I wasn't going to stand on it. I liked it too much. I probably would have just taken it and ran. I'm sorry, but our entire relationship is based off of an empty threat."

He stared at her with those big black holes, and she could feel the bafflement radiate off of him.

"It was an empty threat?" He mused, his tone unreadable.

Shamed, Valkyrie nodded her head.

"And this is what you would choose to tell me as I stare death in the face for a second time?" Skulduggery wondered skeptically.

"Those words exactly."

"No changes?"

"None."

"And here I thought you were sentimental. My apologies."

"Thank you."

"And it was really an empty threat?"

Valkyrie shrugged her shoulders.

"Guess you'll never know."

"Valkyrie Cain, you are the oddest girl I have ever met," Skulduggery told her fondly.

"Don't you forget it," She warned, snuggling back into his arms.

The ghost of a smile haunted her face as Skulduggery did something he'd never done before and placed his hat atop her head. Content with the world, Valkyrie Cain fell into a deep sleep.


End file.
